Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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