Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
