Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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