you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
