I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she pinky promised me she was 18
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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