I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
