Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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