if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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