i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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