She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Sext me about skeletons
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
