this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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