my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
