Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
