i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
