Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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