The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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