Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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