he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
