her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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