So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
we should paint friendship bongs
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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