Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
