The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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