Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
