there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
