I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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