The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
