Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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