oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I am midnight drunk by noon
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
