I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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