I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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