physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
