Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Randomize
