I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
