I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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