I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
