I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
