Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
