I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
