Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
