someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
