i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
