it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
