I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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