My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
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