Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
