Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I need to sanitize my soul.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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