her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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