you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Please don't give away my fajitas
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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