I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
