i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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