I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
